I know I’ve been really quiet lately.
Unintentionally, I find myself disconnecting from support raising responsibilities and the pressures and weight that comes with it.

The reality is… I’ve been processing many emotions and thoughts lately.

Life is really sweet right now. Like, really sweet.

Rich relationships, instant connecting, deep conversations. It all comes so naturally right now.

I am known, seen and valued within my ministry position and within relationships around me.

I am poured into daily, and I am pouring back out into people around me.

Discipleship opportunities are abundant, and the needs are great.

I’m learning to live in the here and now and to not take anything here for granted.

And I know that much is about to drastically change.

There’s this deep mourning I suddenly find myself in; the processing of what could have been and what soon will be.

As I anticipate my first year in a new culture and in a new ministry position, I process the future with eyes wide open.
Not in an anticipatory dread, but in a deep relinquishing kind of way.

A quiet, yet hard surrender.

I will be starting from scratch. Everything. My ministry position might even look like starting something from scratch. It will take a while before I feel seen, known and valued. I have a language to learn and understand. I will feel isolated, lonely and abandoned to some extent. It will take a while before I am able to bring value to a ministry team. My days will soon look like simple grappling at surviving in a country that is still, to some extent, foreign to me.

My normally overly-optimistic-self despises thinking of these realities, but my realist nature also knows that coming to these conclusions sooner rather than later might just be key for my surviving the first year on the field.

I struggle to hold the emotions of joy and anticipation while also preparing for this next year to hold some of my hardest challenges and battles.

I mourn the opportunities I am compelled to turn down and strive to hold fast to the commitment I know the Lord is calling me to.

In processing all of these things, I often am consumed with guilt. Or fear of failure. Or fear of letting others inside of my heart and mind, allowing them to see glimpses of cowardice or hesitation.

I am grateful for the confidence the Lord has given me through this journey and in surrendering everything to pursue this path. I have not once doubted whether I have misunderstood his calling me back to the Dominican Republic. But I can’t avoid the haunting feeling that this calling might break me in more ways than even I anticipate.

Holding confidence and hesitation all in one breath. Confidence in the Lord’s sovereign plan for my life, knowing and believing that He WILL show up. He’s proven Himself to me over and over again. I have no business doubting his sovereignty. But also, hesitation for what is to come.

Hesitation because I’m oh-so-comfy and thriving comes easy and I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m thrown into a world where everything is a little uncomfortable for some time and thriving comes hard.

And so, my heart yearns to display vulnerability and honesty to those following along. I hope you’ve seen me on days when my enthusiasm, my high energy and my passion for pursuing the Lord in a foreign country in order to make disciples is overflowing. But I also hope that you see me on the days when tears are constantly threatening to pour over as I wrestle to hold joy and mourn loss all at once.

May this deep longing to always be seen, known and valued continue to draw me closer to my Lord and Savior who is the only one who can wholly fulfill these longings. May these longings remind me of a heaven that’s awaiting my arrival. May they keep my heart humble and empathetic to those with the same deeply engrained human desires, who do not yet know of my Savior who truly and fully satisfies.

Thank you, dear supporters, for the ways you show me grace and patience. You are such an example to me of God’s provision and gracious nature.