Here we are. Two weeks away from leaving life as I know it here and beginning a life totally unknown in another country.

It’s a concept that is hard for me to wrap my head around and often, I struggle to allow reality to sink deep within my soul.

After holding my breath for so long in fear of false hope, wondering if this wild, big dream would ever actually all come together. Endless meetings and excessive cups of coffee spent sharing the passion laid upon my heart in hopes of inviting people into partnership. Countless nights lying awake wondering if I misheard that calling felt so deeply long ago. Many moments of frustration and desperation, fists being shaken out of frustration and confusion at the One who has held it all in the palm of His hands.

These past two years have been a lot of knowing, growing, strengthening and then breaking. It has been far from picturesque or beautiful and has often been far from ideal.

The girl who eagerly signed those papers over 2 years ago desired to do the unexpected and the extraordinary for the sake of the Kingdom. She fell in love with a culture and desired to be a part of creating impact. Her eyes became open, and her tender heart overflowed with compassion and desire in ways she didn’t know were possible.

She was enthusiastic and slightly naive to what the road would look like when she chose this out-of-the-ordinary path. But good thing that eager 23-year-old girl was a bit blinded to what she was signing up for because if she could have looked ahead, she would have been shocked at the hurdles she was about to face and she would have declined for fear of feeling under-equipped.

Because this road has not been what I thought it would be. That passion somehow became buried at times along the pursuit of just simply chasing after the next next step in the process. There has been seasons of deep disappointment, the relinquishing of what once was and what now is. There has been much heartache and deep soul wrestling. Sincere questioning and difficult doubting in moments of weakness and forgetfulness. There have been good opportunities that I have had to watch slip by in order to remain focused on the calling before me.

And I am reminded, that every bit of it has happened for a purpose. Purposes that I may not ever come to understand. But there is no struggling that is wasted. I haven’t always been able to see this truth and sometimes still struggle to believe this deep within my heart. I am often like David, a servant found in the Psalms, who desires whole-heartedly to choose good and that what is righteous but often allowing my emotions and doubting to toss and throw me around like the roaring waves of the sea.

But there is a promise that I have found amidst all of this that I know to be true. HE IS GOOD. He will always be good. He promises nothing but good. This doesn’t prevent us from never struggling, never wrestling or never suffering. Those are the consequences of the fall, of a sinful world. But He has been there over and over again to pick me up. To tenderly wipe the dirt of my scraped knees and tend to my wounded, weary soul. He has proven Himself faithful and I have proven myself weak when left to my own fleshly ways.

My confidence in Him has grown. While my confidence in self has lessened.

And I think that this is the natural, challenging part of this process. I, unknowingly needed to be taught how to be less dependent on self, and more dependent on the One who has led, provided and cared for me all along.

That girl, she has reached some tough moments, experiencing burnout, anger and confusion. She has experienced love and loss in a whole new way.

That girl who was once confident in her abilities, giftings and strengths has been weakened, torn down and stripped clean.

And the Lord sighs a breath, smiles and says “finally”. Because all this time I thought I was doing service unto His name and yet wrestling and toiling with what I thought I once knew while still clinging to my comforts and ideals and placing confidence in my flesh. And now I can recognize the ways that He has been building, tending and cultivating throughout my life.

Oh Lord, my weaknesses and failings are abundant and never-ending. And yet you continue to love and pursue despite my negligence of your grace and peace. Let this begin the journey of stepping further into your strength and not relying on my own understanding or abilities for I am guaranteed to fail if I do so. May my striving and wrestling serve only to seek You better and to know and believe your purpose for me.