The truth is this…

I’ve recently experienced one of the hardest seasons in my life. And I’m still scrambling out of that deep, dark hole.

Confusion lurks, anxiety haunts and the pressure has sometimes been overbearing.

On the worse days, I’ve struggled to find the strength to even open up my laptop. Questions and emails overwhelming the screen and beg for my attention. Demanding responses I cannot formulate and answers I do not know.

Stepping away has never felt more tempting. Remaining has never felt so difficult.

It has tested my steadfastness, my stickability. It has revealed areas of weak and fragile faith that needs to be strengthened and sharpened.

It continues to humble me and bring me to my knees in desperation. And I find myself whispering to my Father,

“Can I tell you I’m scared?”

“Can I tell you I’m confused and hurting?”

“Can I tell you that my faith has been weak, and I sometimes struggle to see hope?”

“Can flowers even bloom in this valley?”

“Will you really use my mistakes and failures to bring You glory?”

“Are you actually capable of holding these emotions for me?”

“Will you disappoint me? Let me down? Fail me? Forget about me?”

Which really all these questions translate to the deepest question buried deep within my heart (and I’m sure the hearts of all humankind).

“God, are you enough for me?”

I’m about to embark on the scariest, biggest adventure He has walked me through. I feel that adrenaline rush hitting right before jumping off a cliff and splashing into the freezing cold water.

And so I’m grateful for the wrestling. I’m grateful for the pain. I’m grateful that this has stopped me in my tracks and forced me to evaluate and do some deep soul investigation.

I know one day I’ll see the flowers growing in the valley I once questioned was even fertile. And the tears will stream down my face when understanding is revealed and peace washes over. But until then, I hold tight to His promises and truths that I can’t always feel but can rely on. And push on by remaining faithful in the little things.

Because He promises to be enough. He promises to be my everything. He promises to not fail me or let me down. He promises good things. He promises peace. He promises to hold me in my pain and to use my tears, failures and shortcomings for His glory.

God continue to break me and humble my heart to be used for your Glory. Use my brokenness to point to you and only you. Help me remain steadfast in Your promises and to be reminded of Your truths on days when the feelings are just not there.