Here I am. Back to the writing block after months of feeling unable to write or process anything through words.

But there has been much wrestling and processing and there is yet still so much more to do. So here I am, attempting to make sense of life, growth and God.

Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Genesis 28:15

REMAIN in me and I will REMAIN in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it REMAINS in the vine, neither can you, unless you REMAIN in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever REMAINS in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15: 4-5

“Remaining” has felt extraordinarily hard in this season. When things suddenly seem uncertain and I no longer have the answers, weighty decisions loom above me and pressure from all around presses close, it’s instinctual for me to isolate. To remove, to withdraw. To cave to pressure and people pleasing. To choose the expected and the ordinary. And so remaining has come hard lately for me. Showing up has been hard. Remaining in situations and not having answers, vision or not knowing the expectations has been taxing.

Everything inside of me often threatens to run. To escape. The expectations are too much. The pressure is too high. Opinions are overwhelming. There are people to please and keep happy.

If I am not careful, I fall deeeeep into this. And I become unhealthy. I withdraw spiritually. Fear of failure becomes overwhelming. I struggle with mysterious anxiety symptoms. I resort to “robot” programming. I lose sight of the vision and I lose my passion. And I no longer feel like myself. And I panic and spiral. Because I am no longer living in the peace that Christ offers nor walking in the freedom He offers. I lose sight of His promises and often fail to simply sit with Him in the midst of uncomfortable chaos and confusion.

And so I am on this journey of beholding God in the uncertain terrain. From my sight, it currently looks rough and bumpy. There have already been a few twists and turns I would have never expected and did not have the sight for.

And yet the bumpy terrain promises to lead to GOOD THINGS. The condition of the terrain does not stop or delay Him. He offers FULLNESS in every situation and in every type of terrain. His presence continues to establish further dependence on Him. Nothing is strong enough to remove me from His presence. He WILL NOT LEAVE me in confusion or uncertainty until He completes all He has started and promised me.

What does this look like?

Pressing in. Grabbing ahold. Resting my weary soul. Yielding to His preparation. Receiving what He is producing along the way. Because His promises are good.

An active, tireless pursuit of surrender and abiding. (John 15)

Pressing in and clinging. Worshipping and praising when the feelings are not there.

Will I surrender to where He needs to take me?

Is He not worthy of this type of surrender?

May my desire be to seek Him earnestly. May I run to Him and be filled with His abundance. May my flesh be faint so that His power and glory may be revealed.