I don’t know how it took this long to reach this point. When I came back from the Dominican last May, I thought I would experience this dreadful homesickness for the place I so desperately wanted to plant roots down in. But I didn’t right away. I came back to the states, got a job and understood my assignment.

Raise support, raise awareness, bring a short-term team.

I focused all of my energy towards reaching those goals and felt deeply fulfilled and KNEW my purpose. After all. I was only back in the states for a time.

Everything in my mind revolved around returning to the Dominican.

Everything felt relatively easy.

Until now.

This deep wrestling as my soul just yearns to already be back on the island which is so dear to me.

I’m tired of training, of preparing. I feel as though my whole life has been preparing me for this big transition. I’ve been in this “in-between” season for literally years.

For once, this travel-destined soul of mine desires to be rooted somewhere more permanently. A place to call my own and for relationships that last longer than a couple of months before having to say goodbye.

I force myself to respond to emails, to organize fundraising meetings and reach out to supporters. Tasks which once brought me joy are often procrastinated until they can’t be pushed off any longer.

Sometimes, I’m ashamed to admit, I even take this out on the Lord. I question His provision, whether He actually knows the desires of my heart and the things I wrestle with.

It’s silly, I know. But the flesh is weak and my faith shallow at times,

And then I sit in awe sometimes. How can I be wrestling so hard and question so deep and the Lord STILL desire to use me? He decides to take my weaknesses and somehow use them to reflect His character.

What a selfish human I am.

And so, this is the season of raw obedience.

Obedience when it doesn’t feel good. Surrender to the things I do not know. Trusting Him to finish what He started. Doing the things I don’t want to do, out of humble obedience. Reminding myself that He does, indeed, see the desires of my heart and sits with me through moments of doubt.

But, oh God, I’m ready for home.