Singlehood is often a topic that I tend to avoid. In the conservative Christian realm, singlehood is often viewed as a season of “waiting”.

And I despise waiting. (Shocker.)

I highly dislike seasons of complacency, therefore, have never viewed singlehood as a waiting season. I have never been the type to wait around or to place my life on hold in pursuit of the one who would run with me.

I just run.

But I have made the mistake in the past of running solo. I have often ran away from desires that go unmet or big emotions that scare me. I have ran from God in my singleness instead of running to Him. I have avoided facing fears of loneliness for a long time.

As I continue living on the mission field, the Lord has forced me to face these fears head on. He’s been such a good and tender Father as He helps me navigate as I wrestle through these foundational lessons. It’s been such a unique, intimate season with Him as He guides me, provides on the daily and reveals more of His heart and His mission for me.

My emotional and spiritual needs cannot be met by another human. The mission field can be a lonely place. My community of comrades and family live thousands of miles away and can only be obtained through technology. Throw in bad WiFi, busy schedules and time changes and it’s next to impossible to catch a convo with the ones whom I used to spend hours in deep conversation with. There are long, exhausting days of pouring into others and being available to those who I am responsible for. No one prepared me for how my emotional and physical needs go unmet most days. About the days I would do anything for a long embrace from someone I love or to have a 5-minute pep talk from someone who knows, sees and cares and can tell me that everything will be alright. Moments of overwhelm, anxiety or fear that threaten to consume. Instead, those emotions are forced to be battled through with much prayer and surrender as I lay those emotions at His feet without the help of another human. There are some days when I can sneak away for a moment of silence and lay on my cool, tiled bedroom floor and whisper my desires and cares to Jesus and trust that He will carry me through, fulfill me and sustain me.

I am the only one responsible for my spiritual growth. This is true for every one of us in every season, but this one hit me hard this year. There is no one else to fall back to when I’m floundering spiritually. No one to pick up the slack. If my relationship with Christ is lacking, then it’s on me. It is my job (and joy) to be a spiritual leader for the girls and to help them navigate decisions, life and experiences. It can be exhausting to be responsible for guiding and leading others spiritually while being solely responsible for my own spiritual growth but at the end of the day, if I haven’t opened up my Bible or haven’t spent time sitting with my Father… that’s my fault. There are no excuses to find when I stop to evaluate my own spiritual growth. If I am not proactive about my spiritual development and my personal relationship with Jesus, my leadership will fall short every time.

While this season is the hardest, it’s also the most beautiful. It has taught me how to be proactive in my faith and how, like any relationship, it takes work. This season has taught me dependency on God like no other season of life. It’s a “hurts so good” season. A season of hard but being able to smile through the hard because I know it’s such an incredible season. To be stripped of everything I once relied and depended on. The only thing I can turn to when I feel empty is… HIM. I wish everyone had this experience. To be stripped of worldly distractions and unhealthy coping mechanisms that the world offers. To face loneliness head-on and to learn how to wrestle with unmet desires. It’s so beautiful. Out here, it’s just me and Him. It has stretched and grown my faith in ways I cannot understand. He sustains and fulfills every crack and crevice of my heart. He meets me in the confusing areas of my heart and restores the broken pieces. He has redeemed seasons and moments when I was unfaithful to Him. he has softened the rigid, stubborn parts of me. He has shown me my worth and given me a new heart. He has put my life on display for others to observe His faithfulness through me. He has taught me how to be vulnerable with my story so that He may be glorified through the places He has taken me. And He knew… I needed to walk this journey as a single. Dependent on Him first before being dependent on another human.

10/10 would recommend. 🙂