The past couple of years have been such a doozy. I realized today that my life has been both a literal and figurative constant of packing and unpacking.

Back track to 3 years ago, I was at an ultimate low. Having gone through a messy breakup in an invested relationship, experiencing rejection by my closest friends and church body, lacking direction in my life and living every day wondering if God had forgotten about me, I was stuck in an emotional and spiritual drought. Nothing brought me happiness and I was consistently hovering over the line of depression despite my decent job. Guilt became an everyday emotion as I battled feelings of despair. I despised my hometown because it held memories that no longer brought joy. I refused to acknowledge my own hurt caused by rejection. I refused to acknowledge my need for community. I put up protective blockades up around my heart which I hated and new would hurt me further in the end. After wrestling with this for a year…

I knew something had to change.

Desperate to be removed from the place that caused hurt and pain that I experienced every day and knowing it was a stumbling block for my spiritual growth, I sought to leave the state and desired to leave everything behind. So, I packed it all up and headed to upstate New York where I was accepted into LIFT, a discipleship leadership program with a focus on outdoor adventure. It was exactly what I needed at that time. Pouring all my energy into meeting physical requirements, getting good grades and practicing spiritual disciplines. Slowly, I felt myself come alive and my desire for Christ expand and grow as I learned more about His heart and His character. I knew this was the beginning of a season of unpacking much emotional and spiritual damage that was built up for years.

I felt myself becoming physically and mentally stronger yet spiritually and emotionally softer.

I often describe my time in this program as a “hurts so good” experience. I spent much of that year unpacking my own expectations, my personal faith and discovered who I was in Christ and further delved into how He has made me and gifted me. I knew that that I was right where I was supposed to be and had so much peace despite being knocked down by several injuries and sicknesses. I remember one defining moment very distinctly. After taking a bad fall during a cross-country ski trip and having to be hauled 5 miles out of the woods by forest rangers, I received a diagnosis that I tore my MCL and had several impact fractures to my knee. I would be out physically for the rest of the winter semester. I was advised by the orthopedic to pack it up and go home. I thanked him, crutched my way back to the car, closed myself in and sobbed. I was on such a good role and wondered why this setback had to be part of my story. I had the option to “pack it up” and go home or I had the option to stay in the program and miss out on many adventures while I healed.

I obviously chose the latter. It was the best decision I ever made. God didn’t take away the difficulty of the situation and I’d be lying if I said I never laid on my bed with my knee in a brace, staring out at the Adirondack mountains I wasn’t able to climb. But He had equipped me for the disappointment and loss and met me in those dark, lonely hours. And I knew…

That He was good despite the difficulty.

Jump ahead to March of this past year. Our LIFT group of 30 all headed to participate in a short-term missions trip to the Dominican Republic. My knee injury had healed just in time for me to be able to go (coincidence..? I think not). During my time there, I felt parts of me activate that have never before been activated. My heart softened in new ways and my empathy increased as we served people living in extreme poverty. Barriers in my heart broke down and I felt myself slowly become whole as I loved these people whom I couldn’t speak much to and who looked and lived nothing like I did. I felt myself withdrawing from my teammates when we arrived back to the base after serving at ministry sites all day. I would pull away from social settings to be alone. I would lie in the grass and look up at the clouds with the palm trees rustling in the wind.

“Will you call me back here?” I would ask every day to Him.

Towards the end of our two week stay, I knew. It wasn’t a defining moment or a defined voice. It was the quiet, gentle softening and wrestling of the heart. And then a firm voice assuring me, “yes, pack it up. Coming back has always been my plan for you.” And it felt so right. I never questioned the decision. Many people back home thought I was crazy.

And so, 5 months after agreeing to the position, I packed up and moved to the Dominican for a short-term, yearlong position… with little cash in my account but fully funded for my job as a missionary.

And here I am again, at a place of “unpacking” once again. Home for the month on break between semesters, still living out of suitcases. Afraid to become too comfortable at my cozy childhood home and knowing my stay is temporary. Happily toting around minimal belongings.

So many seasons of literally and figuratively packing and unpacking.

Figuratively, I have experienced the ebb and flow of continuously packing and unpacking of emotional and spiritual bondage. The continuous packing and unpacking as I throw off human ideas of religion and tradition and relearn how Christ sees me, loves me and how He intends to use me as part of His mission. The continuous packing of learning what I was designed for and unpacking of the things that culture, society and expectations fill my head with.

And literally, my belongings are continuously being packed and unpacked. There is so much hard about this season of life, but there is so much good. I am in a season of constant transition, and I don’t dare to become too settled or comfortable until He further reveals where I am to be planted. I am always wavering between “wow, this is the life I have unknowingly dreamt of my entire life.” and “wow, this is so incredibly hard”. And I can’t say I’d change it if I could. I have learned to be content with temporary, to love hard and fiercely the people around me and to never take seasons for granted.

Because, through it all..

He is good despite the difficulty. And within the difficulty, comes good.