As we wrap things up here at the end of the semester before going home for Christmas break, there are a lot of thoughts I have regarding going home. I am incredibly in love with the life that God has chosen to entrust me with. But. That doesn’t negate the challenges that come along with it. Missions has a tendency to be glorified within the American church. The reality is that living overseas has been one of the hardest seasons I have yet to encounter. Despite the challenges, I’d still choose it over and over again. In my overly optimistic mindset, I have the tendency to ‘role with the punches’, find the lessons to be learnt in every trial and fail to process the sheer difficulty that some of these challenges provide. Eventually, it all catches up to me in the moments when I’m most vulnerable. Usually, when I’m on the phone with my mom, curled up in fetal position fighting tears. (Shout out to all moms of independent daughters who know just what they need when they need it haha.)

As I use this space to process some of these challenges before I return to the states for the month, I pray it properly expresses my heart and the things I have been learning.

It’s difficult navigating life here and life back home. My heart is constantly in two places, not quite completely whole in either country. No matter where I am, there are pieces missing. Back home, my siblings are reaching milestones and experiencing things I always thought I’d be around for to experience alongside of them. Oldest sibling guilt has a way of catching up to me at my weakest moments. There are often days I avoid a FaceTime call because I know looking at those little faces who miss me will destroy me for the day. I have a constant hunger for comfort that I’ve learned to grow comfortable with. But I know when I’m home and given that comfort, I’ll be missing the uncomfortable and how it pushes me towards trust. I know when I’m home, my heart will ache for the people I’ve built relationships with here and for the simplicity of life. It’s a strange, complex phenomenon that I struggle to wrap my head around.

Leadership in a third world country is hard. After spending the summer in a leadership role that I thought pushed and stretched me in numerous ways, I thought it had prepared me well for my leadership role here. I was wrong. Nothing will quite prepare you for the raw realities of being responsible for leading others in a foreign-to-you country. What a humbling experience. There are many days when the girls have questions and turn to me for guidance, and I have to admit that I don’t know the answer or the outcome but will be right beside them as we figure it out together. Or days that I’m wrestling with my own personal struggles, struggle to find my own routines and fail at practicing Sabbath well. There is no tapping out in leadership. Rest and retreat must be exercised, but mentally checking out is never an option when there are people depending on you. I am so grateful for a God who shows me grace when I fail to juggle all the responsibilities He has trusted me with and for His guidance as I seek balance.

Missions is often lonely. Building community takes time and relationships come with much work. Being stripped of incredible community was hard. In a place where I am often not understood and am unable to express my thoughts and feelings adequately, the desire to simply be known and appreciated for who I am is a constant, nagging desire that often goes unfulfilled. And I’m learning that’s ok. Leaning into the one who does know the deepest desires of my heart is the biggest lesson I could be learning right now to take with me wherever I go.

I wasn’t prepared for the heartbreak. This one may sound ridiculous since I made the decision to live in a poverty-stricken community, but it has been very true throughout my experience. This is probably the one I most wrestle with. I see poverty every day. I see people living with very, very little. But the general consensus is these people are mostly quite happy. They have learned to live with little and they know how to make the most of things. For someone experiencing extreme poverty for the first time, these people and their living conditions may tug at your heart strings and you may be tempted to help ‘fix’ their situation. But once you understand that they are usually happy with their situation, they know no other way of living and are used to this way of life, you become quite comfortable working amongst their conditions. These people have taught me much. What I have struggled to grow comfortable with is the situation with the Haitians in our community. (To read more on this topic, go back and read my previous post “The Brokenhearted”.) I was not prepared for my heart to be broken over and over again as I witness children being separated from their parents, families walk around in fear of being arrested and to observe how the issue impacts the Haitian community so severely. I wasn’t prepared to hold the little boy who holds me so tightly while his parents were taken the night before. I wasn’t prepared to struggle with finding words of hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. These people are not comfortable and content with their situation. They are not treated justly, and they are not happy. This is one I will continue to wrestle with as I go home for the month. I sense a deeper calling and conviction in this area of serving missionally.

I don’t think I will ever reach a point where I am not grateful every day for the opportunities He continues to give me. I walk around every day with my heart on the verge of bursting from the love I have for these people and the love they show me. Each day brings new experiences and I can always anticipate the Lord providing opportunity for me.
I am beyond grateful for all of YOU who support financially and prayerfully as I live overseas. Every text message, Marco Polo or voice memo of encouragement or prayer makes my heart so incredibly joyful and reminds me of the people back home who care and support me. It takes a village… and I have immense appreciation for my village. Much love to you all!