A week spent wrestling, questioning and doubting. Desiring a greater purpose and wrestling with knowing what the Lord is calling me to.

On my day off, I woke up early, grabbed a coffee at the local coffee shop and drove over to the Botanical Gardens. It’s my favorite space to get away. When I’m completely absorbed by nature and the sound of birds. I make my way to the massive statue of the crucified Jesus. I sit at the base of the statue. I open my Bible and attempt to find scripture to focus on and distract my brain from the questioning that was becoming consuming. But I can’t do it and find the tears rolling down my cheeks. I have no choice but to voice it to Him.

Lord, have you forgotten me? Why do you feel so quiet? There is nothing I desire more than to feel your presence and to see you working and yet you feel so distant and silent. I know my emotions are betraying what I know to be true, but I don’t just want to know that you are good, I want to FEEL that you are good. I feel as though I have given up so much in order to chase after you and yet I just want a taste of the comfort you provide me and to know that you have something very specific in mind for me.

The cries of my heart poured out one after another. Like a child, begging to be seen and acknowledged. I fully recognized how foolish I was being and acknowledged my lack of faith. I know and believe that He is good and that He is working but I just desired so deeply to feel it.

A few days later, I was at the dentist having my wisdom teeth removed. (Super casual thing to have done while living in a third world country, right? A story for another time…) The procedure was finished, and I had stepped out of the back office and into the waiting room to check out with the receptionist. With my back to all of the other patients who were waiting to be seen, I hear a man calling to me and Courtney (my supervisor and adopted Mom who came with me to assist with translation). We turn around and the man asks us if we are Christians. This took us both by surprise as most Dominicans assume that American are tourists, students or Mormon missionaries. “Yes.” I responded in slight shock, my mouth still partially numb and full of gauze.

“While you were standing back-to, God gave me a vision to give you.”

He doesn’t wait for me to respond before he shares.
“I don’t know what your story is or why you are here. But I believe I’m supposed to tell you that God has a very specific reason for you being here. Now, I think that everybody is given a purpose by God. But I think, for some reason, you have a very specific purpose that you will soon discover and that it will be fulfilled this year and the next. I don’t know what it is or how it will come to completion, but I just needed to tell you that.”

I stood in awe (I’m sure with my face being still numb, I was drooling. I’m just sure of it.) and thanked him for telling me. He pointed his finger towards the ceiling and was sure to assure me “it’s Him, not me!”. When I asked for His name, He said his name was David. I shook his hand and thanked him once again before exiting the office.

Late into that night, I sat in the silence of my room, mulling over the events that had occurred.

There it was. He gave me the reminder that I had needed. He does indeed have a very specific purpose for me. And once again, I confessed my weak faith and areas of doubt to the Father who hasn’t given up on me, who hasn’t walked away from me and who hasn’t forgotten me.

What a gracious Father I serve to take my weaknesses and my doubt and still choose to respond to them in a way that meets me personally. When He has proved His faithfulness time and time again throughout my life and yet in a moment of weak faith, He still chooses to remind me of His care and goodness.

I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. -Psalm 94:18-19