Contentment. Oh, how I have spent so much of my life trying to grasp the meaning of that word. I think of certain seasons of my life where contentment just seemed unattainable.

I am often so antsy to move forward and will do anything to avoid the discomfort of complacency or empty space. I struggle mentally and spiritually when God tells me to wait, am keenly aware of when I am “just surviving” and am usually not content unless I’m “thriving”.

Even as a young child, I would jump from one activity to the next and was ridiculously afraid of missing out on something. I despised oblivion and naivety.

I remember having a conversation with a friend a year ago who also struggles with discontentment. We are both extreme visionaries and have the tendency to bounce ambitions and dreams off each other. We dream big, take big leaps and make things happen. We crave the extraordinary, the unconventional and are willing to do the hard things without thinking twice. But I had to ask him midsentence “When is enough…..enough?”. At what point in my life will I be content and satisfied knowing that I have given the Lord my all and have lived life to the fullest?

As I have grown and my faith has been stretched over the years, my definition and understanding of true contentment and fulfillment have shifted.

I am living my dream here in the beautiful Dominican and yet I still find myself having days of discontentment. I am working a position that fulfills so much of my heart’s desires. I am living in a poverty-stricken community where I can walk down the road and have ample opportunities to share the gospel and be the hands and feet of Jesus. And yet, I even grow discontent with that. Because it’s never enough.

I become bothered knowing that there are Haitians are just on the opposite side of the island who spend every day wondering if their needs will be met, who are trapped in their own hellish country unable to flee violence and make mud cakes to fill their children’s hungry bellies. I grow discontent knowing there is more out there that I am not experiencing. If I lose focus, I become discontent with the work I’m doing here and feel as though it’s not enough.

And yet, God gently whispers to me on the daily, “But I have you here, not there. Be faithful to what is in front of you.”

A good wake-up call to remind me of the fact that “yes, Kaytlin. You indeed will never be content unless you know and trust that I am doing a good work in you in every season.”

And so, I spend my days here with eyes open to any opportunity to love the people in front of me, to share the gospel truth when the Spirit lays so on my heart and to be the hands and feet of Jesus here. And when I focus on that, I am able to find deep fulfillment in that. A satisfaction that fills my entire soul and makes my love for the Lord burst from the seams.

I have made a point to keep a record of the simple things that make me feel alive and fulfill those deep desires God has given me. And remind myself, I’m fulfilling a purpose even when I don’t always see it or feel it.

If anything, this is a training zone.

Like the little boy who was brought into me at the base. His body covered in ring worm with scabs and blisters wide open, exposed to dirt and bacteria. I take him in my arms and take off his filthy, soiled clothes and warm a pot of water on the stove. I wash his wounds with soapy warm water, all while he smiles at me sucking on the lollipop that I gave him.

Like the moments driving in the car with the Global Bridge girls. They ask hard, theological questions and I’m able to provide biblical truths and answers or I’m able to say, “I’m not sure, let’s look at that together.” Diving deep alongside these girls who seek truth and relationship with their Father is an incredible thing for me to be a part of in this season.

Like the days I walk through the village and instantly have children at my side. How they play with my hair, climb my body until they hang off my back and ask me a million questions all at once in Spanish. How my heart bursts at the seams as I am filled with gratefulness that I get to love each and every one of them.

And yet I sometimes find my prideful, human heart crying out to Him “Lord, it’s not enough to just love them. There is yet more suffering that I have not seen.”

And on those days of not being enough, He quiets my frantic mind and reminds me of his faithfulness and provision. It’s a humbling process that always brings me to the end of myself, reminding me of my human weakness.

“You are right. So just love them.” He whispers to my soul.

It’s almost too easy. And yet I still complicate that.

Oh, Father. I am not enough. I will never be enough.

But you always will be enough.

Oh, how I need constant reminders of that. You are such a good, good Father.

“Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.” (Joshua 23:14)