We’ve created this routine here at the base. Every Sunday evening, after all homework and prep for the beginning of the new week has finished.

I go up to the balcony and plug in my computer to the big screen tv mounted to the wall. I put on my favorite worship playlist. I shut the lights off and the tv illuminates the space with worship. The sweet soul music beckons each girl out to the balcony. One by one, the girls each come out and plop themselves on the floor. Some of them journal while some of them spend time in prayer. It’s a sacred time. A reset for all. A time to turn our attention away from the worries of the week and onto our trustworthy King. A time to soak in the goodness and faithfulness of our Father.

I lay on the floor, my eyes closed. I breath in deep and allow the lyrics to flood my soul.

I find myself praying a prayer that has consumed my heart my heart over and over again throughout the past year. It has become a deep heart cry that has morphed into a prayer of frustration.

Lord, I need to see where your Holy Spirit is working. There is nothing I desire more than to know where you are at work and to be able to join in on that. I want to see transformation and restoration in lives around me. I want to be a part of that. I am tired of seeing pain in other peoples’ lives and am tired of watching people struggle to see you. Lead me to places where I can actively see your Spirit moving and working… even if it leads me to difficult or dark places.

I pause.

Those two words a can barely whisper out.

Dark.

Difficult.

Woah. Why did I stutter? Why was I choking on those two words?

As I sit with those words that are causing me to pause and evaluate my prayer, I realize, there is a certain fear that I have obtained over the years and have failed to acknowledge. It catches me off guard and takes away my breath.

I do, in fact, fear the dark and difficult.

In my almost 23 years, I have not feared much. Anxiety is not an emotion I am very familiar with. I do not fear experiencing physical pain, going through challenges or being presented with difficulties. I moved to a third world country with zero hesitation.

After all, I know God equips me for what He has called me to, no matter where that may be.

But I realize I have a deeply seeded fear that I have spent many years refusing to face.

A fear of losing the ones I love. And it’s debilitating to my faith. It’s debilitating to the way I trust my heavenly Father.

And so here I am, face on the floor, yearning for more. Aching to be part of what He is doing and pleading like a child, “More, God, more!”.

But yet I lay awake many nights in fear of who the Lord could allow to be taken away from me.

I do indeed, fear the dark and the difficult if it means losing those I love.

And in this moment, God ever so gently reminds me that He can only reveal so much of Himself until I surrender my everything.

In these 10 minutes of wrestling with surrender, my spirit holds tight and is squelched by this overwhelming doubt and fear. I cling to this fear, almost afraid to let go of control. As if I have any control over it. I realize my little faith and how it has prohibited God from showing me His full glory. I have chosen to have a distort view of His goodness.

Who am I to doubt your goodness? How have I let trials and troubles around me distort my view of your care and your presence? I have, once again, failed to remember your unfailing presence through every heartache, every trial, every disappointment and every fear.

My heart wants all of you so I will surrender.

Oh Lord. I’m sorry that I forget that you are enough. I’m sorry that I forget you are the ultimate source of protection, healing and restoration. Oh, Lord how my memory of your faithfulness fails me continuously. How I fail to remember that my life is a testament to your redemption and love. Father, remind me that no matter what this life pulls me through, no matter what losses I experience, no matter the heartache I lose sleep over, fill me with a confidence that you will hold me through. Father, you are so good. And your ways are so trustworthy. I want to be a part of that. I want to see that be true in other people’s lives as well as mine. Help me throw my fears to the wind. Help me unclasp my closed fists and hold them up in surrender to you. I want to experience you in your entirety, and I know that complete surrender is a requirement. I give my heart to you to do with as you please. Undo me. Hold me through the hard. Strengthen me through trial.

Fill me with your joy.

Fill me with your compassion.

Fill me with your purpose.

Fill me with your desires.

This life. It’s all yours to do with as you please.